We No Workie

Oddly enough, since this blog has gone up, I haven't heard a single occurrence of the trademark phrase, "It no workie!" The story behind this infamous exclamation goes like this:

1. Asian spends unhealthy amount of time asking questions and nitpicking a certain product.
2. Said customer continually disregards our responses and explanations.
3. Said customer finally decides to purchase the product, usually making it clear that they have neither the need for, or the capability or wherewithal to use it.
4. Said customer returns 20 minutes later, still puzzled out of their $#@!ing mind, cuts in line, holds the product over their head, and shouts, "IT NO WORKIE!"
5. We laugh incessantly at the "Engrish."

I have nothing against Asians. It's just that this happened SO OFTEN, it prompted the creation of the blog! I was hoping to post about it every time it happened, and then look back once I moved on from the computer store.

But alas, the Computer Store has been put on life support, and the university will pull the plug in the Summer of 2010. Due to some inexplicable need to rape the living @^%$# out of the student body's bank accounts, the university decided to outsource the Computer Store's responsibilities to a company called Follet, which manages the book store on campus. Bye bye, 90% educational discount! The university will now not only require students to purchase a $200 book for each class, but expensive software as well!

For a graphic design course, a student will pay $599 for an Adobe Creative Suite (and this is being generous -- full retail price is still higher!), and $200 for the book. And full price for a laptop, say, $1400 for a MacBook Pro capable of running the software.

The money issue is one thing. But we were lied to about this. We were told we were being moved, and not destroyed. And then even when the decision is made, they still did their best to keep us from finding out. So this is terrible. And unfortunately, the end result is going to be yet another surge in software piracy. Which is a shame, since it's not Adobe's or Microsoft's fault that the university isn't making an effort to equip students with educationally priced software. It's the university's fault! So I have six months or so left, while I watch my tuition money go to pay for steeply discounted computers for the university big wigs to play with. But when it comes time for ME to buy a new computer or new software (for schoolwork, not as a toy!), oh no, I'll have to pay full retail price at Follet's.

If you're a student at this university, I urge you to send scathing letters of disappointment to the president's office. I don't know who is responsible for this, but this is a disgusting and shameful example of how the university is beginning to treat students less like scholars, and more like cash crops. Thanks, university. Now, we no workie.

You're Welcome, Apple

Customer: "Hi, I'm interested in upgrading to Windows 7, but I don't really know how it's different from Windows Vista."


Me: "Well it has tons of great features, and I actually have two demos running on the computers over there. Feel free to play around and check it out!"


And yes, folks, that's when he walks up to the Apple iMac display, and exclaims,
"Wow, this is so cool! It looks nice! Oh AND it's running FoxFire!"


Me: "Huh? Firefox, you mean? Wait, no, that's an iMac. The Windows machines are HERE."

Madlibbing Customers

Some more fun with students trying to buy Microsoft products...

• "Hi, I'm here for the stuff, that, uh, Microsoft lets you bring home. And use. You know. For like, computers."

• "I'd like a copy of Micro...uh.. Offi... The Home and Stu... no... um... it's for a computer. That stuff you sell. I saw an advertisement."

• "Do you have any Microsofts left?"

• "I'd like the newest Windows 2000 please."

• "I need the latest Office Operating System to run my Windows. Wait, no I need the latest Operating System from Office so I can run my Microsoft. Yeah, I had it backwards, hahaha!"

Sorry, no, I wasn't laughing WITH you, there.

Bonus: These are actual quotes from the last week of November and December 1, 2009. Two of the people I had quoted came back, after realizing they bought the wrong thing after all.

My Flash Drive Is Broken

Here's what a flash drive is:
It's like another hard drive. But instead of being magnetic disks, it's a flash memory chip.
Or for you computer-illiterate cavemen out there, it's a magical box where the computer fairies keep your porn.

A computer fairy storing porn.

We sell them.


In fact, I sold a few today.


One guy bought one, and went right to the computer lab to use it. Not five minutes later, he was back, asking for an exchange, because his was clearly broken. I went over and checked it out. It couldn't be opened by double-clicking on it, sure, that's weird. But I could see he had stored files on it, and it could be opened by right-clicking and selecting "Explore." That's annoying, and most likely because of the way the computer lab's machine was set up. But the flash drive was clearly working.


(Translation for cavemen: Magical computer fairies GOOD!)


But in a last-ditch effort to prove to me that it was, in fact, broken beyond all repair... this guy tells me that he uses a complicated, highly specialized geology program, which needs to reference his proprietary geology files on the flash drive. And ever since he put those files on the flash drive, it wouldn't open by double-clicking, and now he has to waste like, a whole second, or something, to right-click it instead.


It workie, dude. Thank your fairies.

Multicultural (With bonus links!)

Stop me if you've heard this one before:


So a guy walks into a computer store, glares at the cashier wearing an IDF shirt, and asks, "Killed any Palestinians lately?"


I had forgotten that the tragic war in the Middle East was an appropriate topic for heckling cashiers in front of other customers in the form of sarcastic jabs. The truth is, this shirt was a result of my being a dear customer to Miller's Military Surplus in Tucson, Arizona. But so many responses cropped up in my head...

• "Launched any homemade rockets at Israeli goats lately?"
• "Brainwashed any children lately?"
• "Smuggle any weapons into your country under the guise of Red Cross supplies despite a cease-fire agreement and public assurances that you're Pro-Peace lately?"
  
• "Started any inappropriate political commentary in public lately?"

Not that he's a terrorist or a criminal in any way, but really... he would have had to answer that last question with an embarrassingly resounding "Yes, sorry."

How Did They Get Into College?

So a man comes in holding a product from our store, price tag intact, box unopened. He asks me, "Do you have this?" So I ask him, "Didn't you buy that from us? That's our product."
And he tells me, "No, this is somebody else's."
So I show him where we keep these products on the shelf and explain that, yes, we do have them.


"How much are they?"


...you have it right there, in your hands, dude.

Upgrade Blues

You may buy an upgrade to XP, upgrade to Vista, or upgrade to Windows 7. I, of course, recommend Windows 7. And also, for some people, they still need to upgrade to XP. The only possible reason I would EVER condone "upgrading" to Vista, is if a customer held a gun to my head and asked me to suggest the worst upgrade option we had available. And even then, I would be hesitant.


And not that I don't like Vista, it's just a scientific fact that Windows 7 is better in EVERY FREAKING WAY. And, more importantly, customers hate Vista with a fiery passion I only usually see directed at people who make phone calls in movie theaters. So, if I somehow a customer buys a copy of Windows Vista from us, they will be back the next day, screaming and yelling and breathing fire.


And blaming us. How DARE we sell them Vista? (And of course, our firm NO RETURN policy only exasperates things). 


So what I'm trying to say is, I am VERY careful when it comes to helping customers choose an upgrade, because I'd rather spend my time not being yelled at. That being said, you already know where this is going...


Customer: I need an upgrade.
Me: Ok, what would you like to upgrade to?
Customer: I don't know.
Me: What kind of system do you have now?
Customer: Oh I don't know anything about computers. I don't know.
Me: Well, you need to find out before I can help you. Here are the three upgrades we have available, you probably either want the XP upgrade, or the Windows 7 upgrade.
Customer: I'll get Vista.
Me: You don't want Vista. I'd go with the Windows 7, instead. It's better.
Customer: Oh, ok. In that case, I'll take XP and Vista.
Me: Are you sure? Vista, instead of Windows 7?
Customer: Yeah, Vista. I need it.
Me: No, you don't, but I'll sell it to you anyway if you're absolutely sure you want it.
Customer: Yeah.
Me: Ok, here you go, have a nice day.
Customer: Wait, why did you sell me Vista? I need Office.
Me: Really? Are you positive this time?
Customer: No, I spend all day huffing paint and watching MTV, so I'm not really sure what I'm doing here at all.*


*This may be a slight exaggeration, but the point remains the same.


The lesson here, kids, is: BEFORE YOU GO INTO A STORE TO BUY STUFF, KNOW WHAT KIND OF GODDAMNED STUFF YOU WANT TO BUY!!

Me Want Break Rules!

Sometimes customers come in here, and you can tell right away that they are operating on another frequency. And since this is retail, it's not unusual to see a very wide variety of these "frequencies." But occasionally, things get a little extreme. Take today, for instance.

This guy was on such a low frequency, he appeared to have all the comprehension of a caveman trying to invent the wheel.

"This make less sense than MTV reality show!"

I waited, patiently, as he began an hour-long event to explain what he wanted to buy from us: "Uhhh... wn... dzzz...dffssss.... zzzzblduhh.... yuh." No, he didn't have a speech impediment. The fool just wasn't actually conscious -- I'm pretty sure he crawled in here and mumbled some nonsense by the sheer power of muscle spasms.

"Sir? Sir, it appears you were trying to order software while clinically dead. Sir?"

But I soldiered on, and attempted to decipher his sentence without making him speak anymore. For God's sake, I just watched my grandchildren grow up and go to college while his mouth was open. I deduced that he wanted Office 2007, based on the fact that he probably needs a program to type words since saying them out loud wasn't actually getting him anywhere in life. Luckily, I was correct. But here's the bad news:

"I already purchased a copy from y'all, but now I wants to git one fer mah friend!"

Sorry buddy, but your friend is gonna have to get off his lazy ass and get it himself. You just can't send a caveman to buy your software for you.

"Me wants new technology."

The Antivirus Strikes Again!

Customer: "What sort of antivirus do you have?"


Me: "Well the best deal we have here is called Forefront Client Security. It's $5 if you want it on a disk, or it's free to download from this website. Here, look at this bright orange sign that explains how you can either pay $5 for the disk, OR download it for free from this website. It's exactly what I told you, but in very clear writing."


Customer: "Only $5? I'll take that!"


Me: "Ok, here you go."


Customer: "Wait, you mean to tell me I could get the same thing for free?"


Me: "Yes, $5 on a disk or free to download. Just like the sign that you read said."


Customer: "I wish you'd told me that. That makes a big difference to a college student, you know. I could use that $5."


Me: "If you'd like, I can do a return and write down that web site for you to download it for free."


Customer: "Well if it's the same thing I'll just keep the disk."

Ring Ring!

Customers that try to buy stuff while on the cell phone: I will interrupt you. Frequently. It's annoying, isn't it?

"Yeah, listen, I wanna tell you about my cat while I buy some software..."

"Stop interrupting my phone calls!"

Two in a Row: Clueless

"Hi, I literally ran in here, hellbent on buying software, but I don't know what the software is called."


I get this a lot. Just now, I got this twice in a row.  And in fact, I already know what you came here to buy: Microsoft Office. But because I'm sick and like to giggle at your computer illiteracy, I make you tell me exactly what it is you need.


"Let me pull out my cellphone, and suspiciously call the person I'm illegally buying software for to ask them what software I need to illegally buy for them. Hang on."


Notice how at this point, I'm probably browsing the internet, picking my nose, or doing other non-work related tasks. That's because you're not allowed to buy Office for other people, and I'm not going to waste paper on this. I'm just waiting for whatever hilarious conclusion you come to.


"The word? And stuff?"
"The Microsoftware?"
"The Microsoft 2007?"
"The Vista suite?"
"Meatball marinara?"*
"Enterprise 2007 Office edition Microsoft package?"


*Not even exaggerating here. They had been sent to Subway and wound up in the Computer Store.

Ok, based on my keen sleuthing abilities, I've gathered that
a) You want some sort of Microsoft software -- probably Office.
b) I could sell you my left flip flop as long as I make sure to call it "The Vista"
c) You clearly don't use computers and
d) This software clearly isn't for you.


But remember how sick I am? I'm going to ask you what kind of computer it's for: Mac or Windows-based? You have no idea, so pick up that phone again! But be careful, because when you give me your next shaky, barely-understandable response, I'm going to grin evilly and warn you that there are ABSOLUTELY NO REFUNDS, RETURNS OR EXCHANGES ON THIS SOFTWARE.


"Oh. Um. Let me call and make sure."


Here's what gets me. By the third phone call, the shady person on the other end doesn't answer. I can only assume they're too busy laughing hysterically at what they made you say the first time. They seem like cool friends. We should hang out some time!


Now, if you actually pull out a credit card or some cash and prepare to do the sale, I will stop and ask, "Are you purchasing this software for someone else?" If the answer is yes, you may leave now, I can have no more fun with you.


But, if you're the typical clueless type, you didn't even bring money. So pardon me while I sneer at your blush as you frantically attack your purse or wallet, pretending that  "Oh my God, I had it this morning, where could it be?"


You get two minutes. Two minutes before I inform you that you're not allowed to buy this software for other people anyway. Please don't scowl, or I promise I will NOT be able to keep a straight face.

It Workie Now

Just to drive the point home, I had another incident involving a Microsoft Office 2007 "Invalid Product Key" error.


But at least THIS customer brought her computer in, and I was able to explain that no, she didn't uninstall the trial version. Twenty minutes later, problem solved. Ta-daaaa!

The Great Product Key Mystery

Here's what I tell (and show) customers after purchasing the Microsoft software:


"Ok, your product key is located on the yellow sticker on the back of the disk sleeve. It is good for two installations. Be sure not to lose your disks, because I'm only allowed to sell you this one copy."


And here's what customers tell us after getting home:


"It's asking for a product key, what does that mean? Where's the product key? Where am I? What's all this drool down my shirt?! WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?!"


Let me break it down for you. "It's on a yellow sticker." Yellow is that bright, obvious color you use when you want something to be highly visible. "On the back of the disk sleeve." The disk sleeve is that flimsy black thing that holds your disks. It's what I handed to you before you left. The back of the disk sleeve is the side that is OPPOSITE from the front. So basically, if you don't see the yellow sticker on one side, just flip it over.


I realize this is tedious, and strains the eyes. It'd probably be easier to find Bin Laden and make him track down Waldo.

 

 

"He's up there, bro."

But in the end, it won't matter. Trust me. If it took you longer to find your product key than it did for me to make fun of you on the internet, I have some bad news: You will lose your disks. Right after I told you not to.

Bananas!

I think I just sold blank DVDs to Gwen Stefani. Very close look-alike!

T is for WHARRGARBL

This is a followup to "T is for Tech Support."


Three people have told her, repeatedly, that she has some other version of Office on her computer, and it is conflicting with her installation of Office '07 Enterprise. But what the hell do we know?


Why don't you come in and let us help you?
No, too inconvenient for me.


Are you sure y--
YES I DON'T HAVE OFFICE ON MY COMPUTER!


Would you like us to mail you a refund?
No, you suck at mailing.


How about we refund it to a debit card?
I'd like that, if only I could read the numbers on my card.


Oh, ok. Call us back when you have that figured out.

The Antivirus Phenomenon, Part I

Members of the university get a special deal on a certain antivirus. They can either a) Buy a disk with the antivirus for $5, or b) Download it for free from the university's website.


It's the same exact thing. Let me say that again: It's the same exact thing. (You've now been informed twice, just like a real customer!)



But time and time again, customers opt to pay the $5. As a penny-pinching college student, I usually ask them why they decided to spend an entire meal's worth of money on free antivirus. I expect to hear things like, "Oh, it's more convenient to have it on a disk." Or "Well, I don't have an internet connection right now."


Actual quotes:

• "Well, $5 is a hell of a deal!"
• "You can't beat $5 for antivirus these days."
• "Why go through the hassle of logging into a website when I can just pay money here?"
• "Well I don't know. I guess the disk would be safer."
• "You get what you pay for, right? I'll go with the $5 disk."

This is enough to get me giggling. But for extra kicks, I check their majors at the register. You guessed it -- every one of them BUSINESS MAJORS.

T is for Tech Support

The thing is, we are just a store. We sell stuff. We are not here for tech support. In fact, Microsoft mandates that we refer everyone with Microsoft issues directly to their tech support. Not that this stops customers from calling US for support.


We sell the Enterprise edition of Microsoft Office 2007. This is different from the Professional edition and the Home & Student edition, and the 60 Day Trial edition. Our copies of Office '07 have their own unique product keys which are good for two installations. A common problem customers encounter is an "Invalid Product Key" error.


This is because the majority of new laptops come with the 60 Day Trial edition of Office 2007. Often, customers don't realize this, and will pop in the Enterprise edition DVD. Windows recognizes that they are trying to run Office '07, and automatically decides to bring up the version of Office already installed on the computer -- the Trial. And as we all know, the Trial always asks for the product key. Oblivious, these poor customers will proceed to enter their Enterprise product key in the Trial product key box.


This is like putting the square shape into the triangle hole.


So this is where most customers call Microsoft. Unaware that they have the Enterprise edition (I realize that our advertisements, labels, EULA forms, and receipts are very confusing about the way they print "ENTERPRISE" everywhere...), these customers tell Microsoft they are trying to put in their product key to activate their "home" version of Office '07.


And at this point, Microsoft snickers, and tells the customers it's the fault of the Computer Store for giving them the incorrect product key. And usually, since they've made it this far, the customers bite hard, and believe that we have some semblance of control over every one of the 200 or so Office discs and product keys, which come prepackaged from Microsoft.


So the customer is using the right product key for the wrong product because they can't identify the proper product, and Microsoft has them convinced it's all our fault. Cue the telephone wars. The usual protocol is for us to explain (in very small words) that since it's a Microsoft product, Microsoft is the only one that can help them. We literally have no power to do so.


But today, a particular customer was adamant that our product key was wrong, because the Microsoft tech support guy said so. Well, lucky for her we had a spare product key lying around. I read it to her phonetically (Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, etc). To double-check, she proceeded to read it back to me, phonetically. (Adam? Boy? Cat? etc). Good job, customer.


I wonder if she'll notice that it, too, is an Enterprise product key?