Two in a Row: Clueless

"Hi, I literally ran in here, hellbent on buying software, but I don't know what the software is called."


I get this a lot. Just now, I got this twice in a row.  And in fact, I already know what you came here to buy: Microsoft Office. But because I'm sick and like to giggle at your computer illiteracy, I make you tell me exactly what it is you need.


"Let me pull out my cellphone, and suspiciously call the person I'm illegally buying software for to ask them what software I need to illegally buy for them. Hang on."


Notice how at this point, I'm probably browsing the internet, picking my nose, or doing other non-work related tasks. That's because you're not allowed to buy Office for other people, and I'm not going to waste paper on this. I'm just waiting for whatever hilarious conclusion you come to.


"The word? And stuff?"
"The Microsoftware?"
"The Microsoft 2007?"
"The Vista suite?"
"Meatball marinara?"*
"Enterprise 2007 Office edition Microsoft package?"


*Not even exaggerating here. They had been sent to Subway and wound up in the Computer Store.

Ok, based on my keen sleuthing abilities, I've gathered that
a) You want some sort of Microsoft software -- probably Office.
b) I could sell you my left flip flop as long as I make sure to call it "The Vista"
c) You clearly don't use computers and
d) This software clearly isn't for you.


But remember how sick I am? I'm going to ask you what kind of computer it's for: Mac or Windows-based? You have no idea, so pick up that phone again! But be careful, because when you give me your next shaky, barely-understandable response, I'm going to grin evilly and warn you that there are ABSOLUTELY NO REFUNDS, RETURNS OR EXCHANGES ON THIS SOFTWARE.


"Oh. Um. Let me call and make sure."


Here's what gets me. By the third phone call, the shady person on the other end doesn't answer. I can only assume they're too busy laughing hysterically at what they made you say the first time. They seem like cool friends. We should hang out some time!


Now, if you actually pull out a credit card or some cash and prepare to do the sale, I will stop and ask, "Are you purchasing this software for someone else?" If the answer is yes, you may leave now, I can have no more fun with you.


But, if you're the typical clueless type, you didn't even bring money. So pardon me while I sneer at your blush as you frantically attack your purse or wallet, pretending that  "Oh my God, I had it this morning, where could it be?"


You get two minutes. Two minutes before I inform you that you're not allowed to buy this software for other people anyway. Please don't scowl, or I promise I will NOT be able to keep a straight face.