Same Crap, New Day

I apologize for the dry spell there... It's just that we moved locations, from a remote, old building secluded by massive trees and guarded by hyperintelligent squirrel mutants. I'll get to the move in a bit, but just think about this for a minute: Despite our isolation, we still had all sorts of customers wandering in, slack-jawed and wide-eyed and wanting The Microsoft.


But then we moved into the university center, the hub of all activity on campus. Even special events are held here, so not only did our customer base explode exponentially, but we had plenty of random strangers poking in and attempting to buy software, despite their ineligibility. Just IMAGINE the seething mass of wackiness we had to deal with EVERY DAY, that would have seemed exaggerated only months before! Ha!


Several new hallmarks have arisen to stand aside the classics (such as computer-illiterate nurses)! The first one came about due to our new, glass storefront. In the past, people would have to come into the store to see our products, because they refused to read the SIX FREAKING POSTERS with all our product info outside the store. And when we'd close, they'd stand at the door, tapping the glass and moaning like lost zombies, "Uhhh?" But now, they just slowly shamble from one end of the store to the next, mouth agape and eyes as wide as dinner plates. The lights are off, the door is locked, and we're counting money, clearly closed. Still, they shuffle back and forth with vacant stares of bewilderment, as if to ask, "I can see it, but I how come I can't get to it?"


The next hallmark involves our phones. We were frustrated when it took the university forever to hook them up, but we didn't realize just how much of a blessing our phonelessness had been! That is, until we started getting the calls. Half of our calls now are literally just wrong numbers. The other half are little more than random outbursts from what I can only assume are retired game-show hosts, coked out of their minds and dialing random numbers. Here are some actual quotes:

• "How do I buy things from the Apple Store?"
• "What is your phone number?"
• "Are you sitting in front of my house?"
• "Can you fix internet explorer?"*
• "How do I put this in?"**

*Ma'am, if you're reading this, there is no miracle then or now that could EVER fix Internet Explorer.

**Please note that generic questions will get you generic answers with me. I'm a professional smartass.

Also, an honorable mention goes out to the folks who can't open our doors, the folks who wander around for hours looking for headphones, the folks who quietly slip in and stand patiently at the empty register without saying a word while the rest of us are distracted, and to the nursing students.

Especially the nursing students. Come on, how do you dress yourself in the morning? You can manage to power on the computer but you can't manage to fill out a simple order form? I don't EVER want to go to a hospital ever again. I know a nursing student, and she's smart. Be more like her.

Another honorable mention goes out to all you people who don't know the name of the product despite the two posters outside the store, the one poster inside the store, and the two price lists right by the register that spell it out to you in incredible detail. For the record, Microsoft is a company, not a product. Adobe is a company, not a product. Norton is a company, not a product. Also, Norton will not protect your computer. McAffee will. And from now on, an ignorance tax is in effect for anyone who asks for "the newest one." We assume you're talking about the new Adobe Master Collection for $599.

This is only a VERY, VERY short list of all the ha-ha's and boo-hoo's we've experienced since our move. Stay posted.