"Yeah, listen, I wanna tell you about my cat while I buy some software..."
"Stop interrupting my phone calls!"
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Ring Ring!
Customers that try to buy stuff while on the cell phone: I will interrupt you. Frequently. It's annoying, isn't it?
Two in a Row: Clueless
"Hi, I literally ran in here, hellbent on buying software, but I don't know what the software is called."
I get this a lot. Just now, I got this twice in a row. And in fact, I already know what you came here to buy: Microsoft Office. But because I'm sick and like to giggle at your computer illiteracy, I make you tell me exactly what it is you need.
"Let me pull out my cellphone, and suspiciously call the person I'm illegally buying software for to ask them what software I need to illegally buy for them. Hang on."
Notice how at this point, I'm probably browsing the internet, picking my nose, or doing other non-work related tasks. That's because you're not allowed to buy Office for other people, and I'm not going to waste paper on this. I'm just waiting for whatever hilarious conclusion you come to.
"The word? And stuff?"
"The Microsoftware?"
"The Microsoft 2007?"
"The Vista suite?"
"Meatball marinara?"*
"Enterprise 2007 Office edition Microsoft package?"
*Not even exaggerating here. They had been sent to Subway and wound up in the Computer Store.
Ok, based on my keen sleuthing abilities, I've gathered that
a) You want some sort of Microsoft software -- probably Office.
b) I could sell you my left flip flop as long as I make sure to call it "The Vista"
c) You clearly don't use computers and
d) This software clearly isn't for you.
But remember how sick I am? I'm going to ask you what kind of computer it's for: Mac or Windows-based? You have no idea, so pick up that phone again! But be careful, because when you give me your next shaky, barely-understandable response, I'm going to grin evilly and warn you that there are ABSOLUTELY NO REFUNDS, RETURNS OR EXCHANGES ON THIS SOFTWARE.
"Oh. Um. Let me call and make sure."
Here's what gets me. By the third phone call, the shady person on the other end doesn't answer. I can only assume they're too busy laughing hysterically at what they made you say the first time. They seem like cool friends. We should hang out some time!
Now, if you actually pull out a credit card or some cash and prepare to do the sale, I will stop and ask, "Are you purchasing this software for someone else?" If the answer is yes, you may leave now, I can have no more fun with you.
But, if you're the typical clueless type, you didn't even bring money. So pardon me while I sneer at your blush as you frantically attack your purse or wallet, pretending that "Oh my God, I had it this morning, where could it be?"
You get two minutes. Two minutes before I inform you that you're not allowed to buy this software for other people anyway. Please don't scowl, or I promise I will NOT be able to keep a straight face.
I get this a lot. Just now, I got this twice in a row. And in fact, I already know what you came here to buy: Microsoft Office. But because I'm sick and like to giggle at your computer illiteracy, I make you tell me exactly what it is you need.
"Let me pull out my cellphone, and suspiciously call the person I'm illegally buying software for to ask them what software I need to illegally buy for them. Hang on."
Notice how at this point, I'm probably browsing the internet, picking my nose, or doing other non-work related tasks. That's because you're not allowed to buy Office for other people, and I'm not going to waste paper on this. I'm just waiting for whatever hilarious conclusion you come to.
"The word? And stuff?"
"The Microsoftware?"
"The Microsoft 2007?"
"The Vista suite?"
"Meatball marinara?"*
"Enterprise 2007 Office edition Microsoft package?"
*Not even exaggerating here. They had been sent to Subway and wound up in the Computer Store.
Ok, based on my keen sleuthing abilities, I've gathered that
a) You want some sort of Microsoft software -- probably Office.
b) I could sell you my left flip flop as long as I make sure to call it "The Vista"
c) You clearly don't use computers and
d) This software clearly isn't for you.
But remember how sick I am? I'm going to ask you what kind of computer it's for: Mac or Windows-based? You have no idea, so pick up that phone again! But be careful, because when you give me your next shaky, barely-understandable response, I'm going to grin evilly and warn you that there are ABSOLUTELY NO REFUNDS, RETURNS OR EXCHANGES ON THIS SOFTWARE.
"Oh. Um. Let me call and make sure."
Here's what gets me. By the third phone call, the shady person on the other end doesn't answer. I can only assume they're too busy laughing hysterically at what they made you say the first time. They seem like cool friends. We should hang out some time!
Now, if you actually pull out a credit card or some cash and prepare to do the sale, I will stop and ask, "Are you purchasing this software for someone else?" If the answer is yes, you may leave now, I can have no more fun with you.
But, if you're the typical clueless type, you didn't even bring money. So pardon me while I sneer at your blush as you frantically attack your purse or wallet, pretending that "Oh my God, I had it this morning, where could it be?"
You get two minutes. Two minutes before I inform you that you're not allowed to buy this software for other people anyway. Please don't scowl, or I promise I will NOT be able to keep a straight face.
Friday, September 25, 2009
It Workie Now
Just to drive the point home, I had another incident involving a Microsoft Office 2007 "Invalid Product Key" error.
But at least THIS customer brought her computer in, and I was able to explain that no, she didn't uninstall the trial version. Twenty minutes later, problem solved. Ta-daaaa!
But at least THIS customer brought her computer in, and I was able to explain that no, she didn't uninstall the trial version. Twenty minutes later, problem solved. Ta-daaaa!
The Great Product Key Mystery
Here's what I tell (and show) customers after purchasing the Microsoft software:
"Ok, your product key is located on the yellow sticker on the back of the disk sleeve. It is good for two installations. Be sure not to lose your disks, because I'm only allowed to sell you this one copy."
And here's what customers tell us after getting home:
"It's asking for a product key, what does that mean? Where's the product key? Where am I? What's all this drool down my shirt?! WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?!"
Let me break it down for you. "It's on a yellow sticker." Yellow is that bright, obvious color you use when you want something to be highly visible. "On the back of the disk sleeve." The disk sleeve is that flimsy black thing that holds your disks. It's what I handed to you before you left. The back of the disk sleeve is the side that is OPPOSITE from the front. So basically, if you don't see the yellow sticker on one side, just flip it over.
I realize this is tedious, and strains the eyes. It'd probably be easier to find Bin Laden and make him track down Waldo.
But in the end, it won't matter. Trust me. If it took you longer to find your product key than it did for me to make fun of you on the internet, I have some bad news: You will lose your disks. Right after I told you not to.
"Ok, your product key is located on the yellow sticker on the back of the disk sleeve. It is good for two installations. Be sure not to lose your disks, because I'm only allowed to sell you this one copy."
And here's what customers tell us after getting home:
"It's asking for a product key, what does that mean? Where's the product key? Where am I? What's all this drool down my shirt?! WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING?!"
Let me break it down for you. "It's on a yellow sticker." Yellow is that bright, obvious color you use when you want something to be highly visible. "On the back of the disk sleeve." The disk sleeve is that flimsy black thing that holds your disks. It's what I handed to you before you left. The back of the disk sleeve is the side that is OPPOSITE from the front. So basically, if you don't see the yellow sticker on one side, just flip it over.
I realize this is tedious, and strains the eyes. It'd probably be easier to find Bin Laden and make him track down Waldo.
"He's up there, bro."
But in the end, it won't matter. Trust me. If it took you longer to find your product key than it did for me to make fun of you on the internet, I have some bad news: You will lose your disks. Right after I told you not to.
T is for WHARRGARBL
This is a followup to "T is for Tech Support."
Three people have told her, repeatedly, that she has some other version of Office on her computer, and it is conflicting with her installation of Office '07 Enterprise. But what the hell do we know?
Why don't you come in and let us help you?
No, too inconvenient for me.
Are you sure y--
YES I DON'T HAVE OFFICE ON MY COMPUTER!
Would you like us to mail you a refund?
No, you suck at mailing.
How about we refund it to a debit card?
I'd like that, if only I could read the numbers on my card.
Oh, ok. Call us back when you have that figured out.
Three people have told her, repeatedly, that she has some other version of Office on her computer, and it is conflicting with her installation of Office '07 Enterprise. But what the hell do we know?
Why don't you come in and let us help you?
No, too inconvenient for me.
Are you sure y--
YES I DON'T HAVE OFFICE ON MY COMPUTER!
Would you like us to mail you a refund?
No, you suck at mailing.
How about we refund it to a debit card?
I'd like that, if only I could read the numbers on my card.
Oh, ok. Call us back when you have that figured out.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
The Antivirus Phenomenon, Part I
Members of the university get a special deal on a certain antivirus. They can either a) Buy a disk with the antivirus for $5, or b) Download it for free from the university's website.
It's the same exact thing. Let me say that again: It's the same exact thing. (You've now been informed twice, just like a real customer!)
But time and time again, customers opt to pay the $5. As a penny-pinching college student, I usually ask them why they decided to spend an entire meal's worth of money on free antivirus. I expect to hear things like, "Oh, it's more convenient to have it on a disk." Or "Well, I don't have an internet connection right now."
Actual quotes:
It's the same exact thing. Let me say that again: It's the same exact thing. (You've now been informed twice, just like a real customer!)
But time and time again, customers opt to pay the $5. As a penny-pinching college student, I usually ask them why they decided to spend an entire meal's worth of money on free antivirus. I expect to hear things like, "Oh, it's more convenient to have it on a disk." Or "Well, I don't have an internet connection right now."
Actual quotes:
- "Well, $5 is a hell of a deal!"
- "You can't beat $5 for antivirus these days."
- "Why go through the hassle of logging into a website when I can just pay money here?"
- "Well I don't know. I guess the disk would be safer."
- "You get what you pay for, right? I'll go with the $5 disk."
T is for Tech Support
The thing is, we are just a store. We sell stuff. We are not here for tech support. In fact, Microsoft mandates that we refer everyone with Microsoft issues directly to their tech support. Not that this stops customers from calling US for support.
We sell the Enterprise edition of Microsoft Office 2007. This is different from the Professional edition and the Home & Student edition, and the 60 Day Trial edition. Our copies of Office '07 have their own unique product keys which are good for two installations. A common problem customers encounter is an "Invalid Product Key" error.
This is because the majority of new laptops come with the 60 Day Trial edition of Office 2007. Often, customers don't realize this, and will pop in the Enterprise edition DVD. Windows recognizes that they are trying to run Office '07, and automatically decides to bring up the version of Office already installed on the computer -- the Trial. And as we all know, the Trial always asks for the product key. Oblivious, these poor customers will proceed to enter their Enterprise product key in the Trial product key box.
This is like putting the square shape into the triangle hole.
So this is where most customers call Microsoft. Unaware that they have the Enterprise edition (I realize that our advertisements, labels, EULA forms, and receipts are very confusing about the way they print "ENTERPRISE" everywhere...), these customers tell Microsoft they are trying to put in their product key to activate their "home" version of Office '07.
And at this point, Microsoft snickers, and tells the customers it's the fault of the Computer Store for giving them the incorrect product key. And usually, since they've made it this far, the customers bite hard, and believe that we have some semblance of control over every one of the 200 or so Office discs and product keys, which come prepackaged from Microsoft.
So the customer is using the right product key for the wrong product because they can't identify the proper product, and Microsoft has them convinced it's all our fault. Cue the telephone wars. The usual protocol is for us to explain (in very small words) that since it's a Microsoft product, Microsoft is the only one that can help them. We literally have no power to do so.
But today, a particular customer was adamant that our product key was wrong, because the Microsoft tech support guy said so. Well, lucky for her we had a spare product key lying around. I read it to her phonetically (Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, etc). To double-check, she proceeded to read it back to me, phonetically. (Adam? Boy? Cat? etc). Good job, customer.
I wonder if she'll notice that it, too, is an Enterprise product key?
We sell the Enterprise edition of Microsoft Office 2007. This is different from the Professional edition and the Home & Student edition, and the 60 Day Trial edition. Our copies of Office '07 have their own unique product keys which are good for two installations. A common problem customers encounter is an "Invalid Product Key" error.
This is because the majority of new laptops come with the 60 Day Trial edition of Office 2007. Often, customers don't realize this, and will pop in the Enterprise edition DVD. Windows recognizes that they are trying to run Office '07, and automatically decides to bring up the version of Office already installed on the computer -- the Trial. And as we all know, the Trial always asks for the product key. Oblivious, these poor customers will proceed to enter their Enterprise product key in the Trial product key box.
This is like putting the square shape into the triangle hole.
So this is where most customers call Microsoft. Unaware that they have the Enterprise edition (I realize that our advertisements, labels, EULA forms, and receipts are very confusing about the way they print "ENTERPRISE" everywhere...), these customers tell Microsoft they are trying to put in their product key to activate their "home" version of Office '07.
And at this point, Microsoft snickers, and tells the customers it's the fault of the Computer Store for giving them the incorrect product key. And usually, since they've made it this far, the customers bite hard, and believe that we have some semblance of control over every one of the 200 or so Office discs and product keys, which come prepackaged from Microsoft.
So the customer is using the right product key for the wrong product because they can't identify the proper product, and Microsoft has them convinced it's all our fault. Cue the telephone wars. The usual protocol is for us to explain (in very small words) that since it's a Microsoft product, Microsoft is the only one that can help them. We literally have no power to do so.
But today, a particular customer was adamant that our product key was wrong, because the Microsoft tech support guy said so. Well, lucky for her we had a spare product key lying around. I read it to her phonetically (Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, etc). To double-check, she proceeded to read it back to me, phonetically. (Adam? Boy? Cat? etc). Good job, customer.
I wonder if she'll notice that it, too, is an Enterprise product key?
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